My Postpartum Body

I found myself awakened this morning by a newborn screaming to be fed. Laying in a puddle of my own milk I frantically look for a clean swaddle or anything clean for that matter. I reached to pick up Asher only to realize we have poop leaking all over my already drenched shirt. I quickly strip down and begin the process of caring for my poopy hungry baby. Still in frantic mode I look down and notice my battle wound ( c section scar). I try to choke down that awful pity party that I can feel rising up& those tears that are ready to stream. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd be that girl who'd feel so ugly after such a beautiful experience. Not only was I obsessing over my unsightly scar that reaches hip to hip, my once perfect belly button was now stretched & my once flat tummy now had a ledge from where my tummy met my bikini line. It's almost as though I no longer knew who this body belonged to... All of my once favorite assets had  now dissipated into a pile of mush. I know what you're thinking "Give it time, it's only been three weeks!". Yes, my logical side is screaming the same sentence but the narcissist in me is mourning my pre-baby body. Why do people always talk about the happy things that come after motherhood ? What about the real things? The hard stuff? Never did I read that among all the amazing memories there would be some harsh judgment coming from no one other than myself. When did I stop being kind to myself? My body housed and created another life for 9 months, it endured 30 hours of labor and major surgery and not to mention is still providing nourishment  to our beloved baby boy. I might have to come to terms with the fact that my body might never be the same as my pre-baby body and that's OK. Regardless of what becomes of my body I need to begin to CARE for myself, be KIND to myself and LOVE myself. As mothers we tend to give so much we forget about ourselves, if we can take ten minutes out of our day to care for ourselves, as much as we care for others, I think we'll be ok. I've decided to work on my insecurities by finding affirmations that empower me throughout the day.
1. I am beautiful inside and out and I attract beauty in all it's forms into my life.
2. I am present within myself. I can center myself with the ease of my breath. I feel confident, worthy & whole.
3. I am grateful for my healthy body. I love life.
Overall my biggest reward is Asher, I recognize that this wonderful little life was worth it. For those of you wondering, yes I'm enjoying him too!! Motherhood can be such a whirlwind of emotions, what were some of your postpartum challenges?

Asher's Birth Story

Asher Vaughn is finally here!!! Let's start there, I'm ecstatic that he is here healthy, happy and that we are finally able to meet this little man. For those of you who have been following we waited a full 41 weeks and 3 days to meet him! It wasn't everything that I had wanted or even slightly wanted but the important thing is he's here. 

January 21st I had my last appointment with my doctor where he informed me I was only 1cm dilated and 70% effaced. I was so sad I hadn't progressed much since my last check up but I continued to keep a positive attitude we set and induction date for January 26th but also a procedure to insert a foley balloon to help me dilate for the 25th. The weekend passed and no contractions or even the slightest indication that Asher wanted to show up. January 25th we went in to get the Foley ballon inserted which by the way was the most uncomfortable process ever & pretty painful. I was able to go home until my induction the next morning with instructions to come back if anything didn't feel right, excessive bleeding, decreased movement ect. I pretty much had non stop contractions since the insertion from 2pm that day and on. Finally at 3 I waved the white flag and had Chris drive me to labor and delivery. Luckily my in laws were at home so they were able to care of Lola and hold down the fort till it was time! 

I was admitted and checked around 4am 

At that time I was dilated to a 5 which was called a foley 5 because I was dilated but not thinned. They started pitocin shortly after and holy crap that when the fun began. I labored for around 6 hours with only the occasional iv medication for pain and finally when my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart I got the epidural. Not what I had wanted but they said it might help relax me and hopefully help progress. I wasn't really dilating much at midnight I was finally a 7 and at 4am I was a 9 but after I reached a 9 I had stopped progressing. A shift change at the hospital at 8 am happened and the new and old doctor had felt it was a good idea to get a c-section due to some distress shown on the fetal monitor. After every contraction Asher's heart rate was falling and considering my lack of progression we were all eager to get him out. 

We suited up and around 30 minutes later I was wheeled into the operating room ready to meet Asher. I was terrified, full of anxiety and poor Chris had to be my rock because I was losing it. Luckily after a huge dose of numbing medication some quick tugs I was able to hear my baby boy cry for the first time. We met & it was euphoric. My little family was complete. I'm currently still recovering & the first couple of days were awful but our little present is here and we couldn't be happier. What was your birthing experience like?